The Facts and Myths of Sexual Abuse

The Facts


One in three girls is sexually abused. One in six boys is sexually abused.

Offenders are not usually strangers to children. Approximately 70-80% of abusers are known to the child.



In cases presently reported, 90-97% of abusers are men.



In more than one forth of all cases, the molesters also abuse other children.



Female victims are more likely to report the abuse.



One half of victims are molested in their own home or in the home of the offender.



Heterosexual males present a greater risk to boys and girls than homosexual males.



An incestuous relationship is rarely a one time occurance but can range from a single event to years of continuous violation.



About 75% of children who are victims of child sexual abuse do not disclose at all during their childhood.



Source:CONNSACS



Myths About Childhood Sexual Abuse

It doesn't happen that much.

It does. One out of three girls will be sexually abused by the time she is eighteen and the same is true for one out of six boys.



Abuse is most often commited by a stranger.

Most abuse is committed by someone the victim knows and trust. Studies of pedophiles show that they most often target children and work to build a relationship before beginning the abuse.



It doesn't happen in my neighborhood.

Yes it does.



Children make up stories about sexual abuse.

Statistics show that most reports of sexual abuse are true. Children rarely lie about abuse, nor do they usually have knowledge of sexuality which impairs their ability to lie about it.



Boys are rarely the victims of sexual abuse.

This is very false. One out of six boys is the victim of sexual abuse at some point in time during his childhood.



Boys who are sexually abused are gay.

No they aren't. Boys who are sexually abused are boys being victimised.



Sexual abuse always includes fondling.

Covert sexual abuse includes exposing a child to sexual material or sex acts.





If the child enjoyed it, it is not abuse.

I can't think of a worse excuse for abusing a child. Physical reactions are a sign that a body is functioning in a healthy way. Children usually feel dirty and degraded afterwards, which no one enjoys. Any sexual contact between an adult and a child is sexual abuse.



Some children seek out sexual relationships with adults.

All children seek affection from adults. If sexual attention is the only affection available to a child, she may settle for it. This in no way excuses the adult, who is responsible for maintaining a healthily affectionate relationship with a child.



Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

As an adult, a boyfriend asked me if I had ever been sexually abused, which opened a vault of memories of abuse at the hand of my babysitter's son. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often begin the healing process in adulthood. Often, the abuse is too fresh and recalling it is more painful than the survivor can handle. We have many other reasons for not remembering the abuse. Forgetting it and wiping it from our consciousness is one of the most effective coping mechanisms available to a wounded child. Sometimes, the perpetrator may have told us that if we told our parents they would blame us or even become ill or die if they knew what a bad child they had. At other times, the abuser was the parent, which causes immense damage to a child's beliefs about trust and the security of the world that can last through adulthood. Forgetting is sometimes the only way to handle the implications of the resulting emotions. It is entirely normal to repress memories of sexual abuse. Often, it takes until adulthood to remember and name abuse.



No matter what happened or how long ago the abuse occurred, we all deserve the validation of our feelings. Grieving for what was taken as a child is painful, but necessary. If you are the adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I hope you can feel proud of beginning the healing process now. Although healing might leave you in a hard to face place, you are confronting it, which shows terrific strength. If you are the supporter of a survivor, please realize that your loved one needs support now no matter how long ago the abuse happened.



Resources

About Incest and Abuse An informative site, with chat and forums

The Mighty Phoenix Marie's site - a terrific resource

Sexual Abuse Recovery A personal page, with excellent links



Books

Beginning to Heal Ellen Bass and Laura Davis' book for survivors beginning the healing process, also an excellent resource for secondary survivors who want to understand what their loved ones are going through

The Courage to Heal Laura Davis' book guiding survivors of child sexual abuse to healing

The Courage to Heal: An excellent workbook written specifcially for female survivors of sexual abuse, but it contains ideas that are relevant for all of us

The Wounded Heart: A book offering hope for survivors. A companion workbook can also be bought, but I've not read it.

When Your Child Has Been Molested: A parent's guide to healing and recovery



Protecting our Children

Child sexual abuse is a huge problem, but it is preventable. If you are a parent looking to prevent the victimization of your child, I encourage you to read Protecting the Gift by Gavin deBecker, which presents revolutionary ideas about protecting children from danger, including sexual abuse. Please don't be afraid to talk to your children about sexual abuse. Having a conversation with him or her is your best line of defense!



Ideas include:

Read a book with your child, like The Right Touch, a read-aloud written to help prevent sexual abuse

Explain to your child that some people have "touching problems," to make it feel more safe.

Talk to your children about "OK" and "not OK" touching. Don't use the words "good and bad" to define types of touch. Getting a shot can feel bad, while some touching related to sexual abuse can feel good. Ask your child to label the touching in several situations as "OK" or "not OK and discuss what to do about the latter.

Together make a list of adults your child could tell about "not okay" touching.

Don't make your child kiss or hug people she doesn't want to. If she feels that she cannot say to one person, she may not feel she can say no to the predator.

Source: Let's Talk About Taking Care of You, by Laurie Stauffer, Ph.D.